New Recruits Are Stupid
by Because I Felt Like It
Summary: The adventures of a group of recruits on a tour of the S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier. Much idiocy and much awesomeness of Barton and Romanoff. Probably part one of two - not sure yet.


"Ah, there's the new recruits," Agent Maria Hill muttered to herself as she walked into the lobby of the main New York S.H.I.E.L.D building, where the Helicarrier was docked for two days. As Hill stopped in front of the group of ten men in their early twenties, the group stopped looking about themselves.

"Right, I am Agent Hill and I am your guide for the tour. Any questions you have just ask me. Please be aware that we are a top secret government agency and do not appreciate people listening into conversations or looking at screens or files, any of which could be pertaining to missions or other information that could compromise the agents, the agency or the country," Hill paused. "Now, follow me please."

Maria led the group into one of the elevators and pressed the button that would take them up to where the Helicarrier was docked. "Today I will be taking you on a tour of the S.H.I.E.L.D Helicarrier base," she told the group while they were filing into the elevator.

Just as the elevator doors were beginning to close, a shout went up, "Hill! Keep the door open for me would you?"

Maria stopped the doors and realised that the person shouting was one of the worst people to see while taking the male recruits on a tour – Agent Romanoff. Romanoff ran through the lobby and slipped into the elevator, letting the door close behind her.

"Thanks, Maria," Agent Romanoff said, her vibrant red curls tousled slightly from the wind outside. "Stark held me up at the tower, trying to get me to play with his new inventions that he apparently finished last night. And now, I'm late for a training session with Clint."

"No worries, Natasha," Hill replied and glanced at the ten burly men that surrounded them and took up the majority of the large elevator. All of them looked smitten with Natasha already. Natasha, on the other hand, was trying to fix her hair and uniform while muttering in Russian, she glanced up from where she was looking in the reflective surface of the elevator walls.

"Oh, are these the new male recruits?" Natasha asked, seemingly realising that she's surrounded by men.

"Yes, just starting the tour. Actually, you're probably the first agent other than me that they've met." Maria glanced around again and said, "This is Agent Romanoff, one of our best agents. She could probably kill you about 100 different ways right now."

The recruits most likely hadn't heard anything she had said, judging by their expressions. This routine happened every time she led a group of male recruits around and they encountered Agent Romanoff, they all fell in love with her immediately, thinking she was just a sexy or hot woman.

Natasha, of course, hadn't noticed the expressions on the recruit's faces. 'She's probably used to it and doesn't care anymore,' Maria thought. Natasha had simply focussed on Maria's last sentence, "You flatter me, Agent Hill. I only know twenty in an elevator, but if they're carrying anything, like a pen or something, that increases."

The conversation ended because they had reached the Helicarrier and Natasha had stepped out of the elevator with a "see you in the training room with your recruits, Agent Hill," thrown over her shoulder.

When she had rounded the corner, the recruits snapped out of their daze to see Agent Hill standing in front of them with her arms crossed over her chest.

"You might want to step out of the elevator before the doors close," she stated before turning around and walking slowly away. She heard the recruits scramble after her.

"Who was that?" one of the recruits asked loudly.

"I've already told you, but since you obviously didn't hear, I shall repeat myself. That was Agent Romanoff, one of our best agents. Specialises in interrogation, assassination, gathering intelligence and every other element of espionage. She is also one half of Strike Team Delta."

"I'm going for it," a recruit declared to the others around him.

"I'll warn you now, don't even try. Romanoff belongs to Barton."

"What does that mean?"

"You'll see, but if Barton finds out that you're after her or you act on whatever the hell it is you feel, it'll be nothing compared to what Romanoff will do," Maria stated baldly and continued walking swiftly through the Helicarrier towards a large, open room. "Now this is the main control room, we monitor missions, training sessions, interrogations and agents and fly the Helicarrier from here. Up there you see Director Fury and Captain Rogers." Hill said gesturing around the room and finishing up pointing at a raised area that held a dark skinned man wearing a black trench coat and an eye patch talking to a muscled blonde man in a plaid shirt tucked into a pair of khaki slacks.

Hill took the recruits through the middle of the control room, making sure that none of the screens had anything classified on them.

After about five minutes of walking through the corridors of the Helicarrier, they stopped outside the doors to the training room.

"Through these doors is the training room, please be careful when we walk through the room as there are agents training and they won't care if they hit you. And be warned, if they do hit you, do not hit back or do anything stupid, they will react instinctively, they will see you as a threat and work to neutralise you. Some of the people in here are trained killers, and everyone hits hard and it will hurt, and sometimes they will break bone if you get in the way. Here we go," Maria pushed open the doors.

The doors opened to reveal agent Romanoff sparring three men at once, another twenty men lay on the ground seemingly unconscious. After about a minute of fighting, the three men, who were about twice as big as her, were unconscious on the floor like the others.

As the recruits watched, Romanoff looked up at the ceiling and seemed to have a conversation with it.

"Despite the fact that you have asked me to do that before, you've seen me do it in the field and I told you I could do it, you still insisted that I do it again."

"I knew you could do it, and you know why I asked you to do it, so don't blame it on me," a voice wafted down from the ceiling where Agent Romanoff was looking.

"Yes, I know that we were both bored, but I can think of several things we could have done instead of beat up a bunch of agents who could have been needed urgently."

"Like what?" the voice sounded curious about Romanoff's ideas.

"Disturbing Fury, pranking the recruits on their tour with Maria…" she trailed off.

"There are recruits on the tour today?" the voice seemed happy. "Well, what are we waiting for? The Captain to start wearing modern clothing?"

Despite the fact that all the recruits standing at the door heard the whole conversation, they still jumped when a man appeared to jump out of the roof.

"Though Maria would probably murder us," Natasha sighed.

The comment had no effect on the man, "Since when has that stopped us?"

"True," she agreed. "But there's a second group going through tomorrow and we don't want to miss that."

"So what now?"

"Messing with recruits or sparring?" Romanoff suggested.

As though a silent agreement had been reached, both suddenly burst into action.

The fight between the two assassins was fluid, each strike matched. Kicking, punching, flipping, dodging. It was a dance. A lethal and exhilarating dance. Knives were produced from nowhere and they glinted in the light as the fight continued.

Then, just as suddenly as the fight had begun, it ended. The two adversaries were on the floor, each with a knife pressed to their throats by the other, but the winner was clearly seen. Romanoff was on top of the other agent with her knee pressed into his chest.

Romanoff fluidly rose from the floor and at the same time pulled the other agent up with her.

"You were holding back, Barton," Agent Romanoff accused.

"I was not!" the man, Barton, argued.

Romanoff studied him. "Which ankle?" she asked.

Barton sighed and grudgingly said, "Left."

Romanoff punched him in the arm. "You know that you're supposed to go to medical if you have an injury, Clint."

"It's not like you do," he shot back. "Anyway I don't like medical, it's boring."

"Stop complaining," she told him. "So if you're injured, that means we can't go through the vents tomorrow."

"Yes, we can so," Clint said, perking up. "I'm not injured. Let's go sort the stuff out."

Romanoff looked contemplative, "Paintballs or-"

Clint looked up from his conversation with Natasha, "Hey look, it's the newbies!" he exclaimed, cutting her off, the group of recruits looked offended. "Are they being good for you, Maria?"

"Relatively," she replied. "But a few of them appear to be enamoured with Natasha."

Natasha's head snapped up and she placed what seemed to be a restraining hand on his shoulder. She whispered, "There's no point in it." Then said louder, "Come on, Clint. Stark gave me some new arrowheads for you to test," she told him, leading him off.

Once the two were out of the training room, one of the recruits asked a question of Hill, "She keeps mentioning Stark, what's up with that?"

"It's classified," she replied curtly.

Maria turned to look at the men on the floor and spoke into her radio, "I need a clean-up in the Training Room."

"What's the situation?" came the voice of Director Fury over the communications device.

"It appears that Agent Barton dared Agent Romanoff to take down a group of men again. I have a group of about twenty men unconscious."

"Medical is on their way."

"Uh, Agent Hill," one of the recruits spoke up, "what did you mean again?"

"Oh, this happens about every two months," she replied nonchalantly and turned and left the training room, leaving the men unconscious on the floor and the recruits gawping after her. "Are you lot coming?" she called back to them and they scrambled after her down the hall.

"Where are we going now?" one of the recruits had caught up to her.

"The living quarters, it is where you will live on the Helicarrier if you decide to work for us," she announced to the rest of the recruits who were following behind.

It took about ten minutes of walking through the twisting corridors to reach the long corridors that were lined with doors that led to living quarters for Agents who worked and were stationed on the Helicarrier.

"These are the living quarters. Each quarter has a bedroom, and a bathroom," Agent Hill called out to the recruits and continued walking down the hall. After about a minute of brisk walking she stopped and gestured down a hall and said, "Down this hallway, is the cafeteria and the common room, where there are tables, couches and a kitchenette. The common room is at the end of the hall, please make your way there immediately, no detours of any kind. I will be there shortly, I need to see the Director about a situation that has arisen." And she made her way back through the corridors she had just led them down, weaving between the agents who were walking through them.

The recruits stood there for a moment, staring after her, before one spoke up, "So, what are we waiting for? Are we going to do what she said, or are we just going to stand here?"

The other recruits seemed to realise what they were doing and started walking down the hall.

The group of recruits followed Agent Hill's instructions and walked into the common room, and saw Agent Romanoff sitting at a table loading and cleaning a gun with several knives and other guns sitting on the table in front of her. Across from her was Agent Barton who was also reloading a gun and had a bow, string, a quiver of arrows and a snipers rifle with the chemicals to clean it sitting in front of him ready to be used. As they watched both Natasha and Clint finished loading their guns and Natasha moved on to sharpening a knife that she picked up from the table while Clint picked up the bow and the string and started restringing it.

"I'm going, I don't care what Agent Hill said about her and Barton, I'm going to ask her," he said and walked off, ignoring the protests and warnings his companions said to him.

Reaching Agent Romanoff, he asked her, "Hey beautiful, when do you finish? 'Cause I was wondering whether you would come to dinner with me?"

Natasha continued to watch her hands as she sharpened her knife, "I finish when my target is dead, I'm dead, or I'm recalled back to the Carrier, or were you talking about today in my duties and training? If that was the case, go back to your little friends, ребёнок, before my partner or I decide we need a new sparring partner or shooting target."

Barton, who was still restringing the bow, started chuckling under his breath.

"What's so funny?" the recruit felt hurt that someone was laughing at him.

Barton just ignored the recruit and, still looking at the bow, said, "Могу ли я сделать это вместо вас" - "_Can I do it instead of you?"_

"Может быть, но я бы сделал бы сделать это, они были раздражать меня весь день" - _"Maybe, but I would do like to do it, they've been annoying me all day."_

"Предлагаю сделку, я получаю избить этого парня, и вы получите кто́-нибудь избил женщину Рекрут вы чувствуете, вы сделали не так. Имеем ли мы дело" - _"Make you a deal, I get to beat up this guy and you get to beat up whatever female recruit you feel has done you a wrong. Do we have a deal?" _Barton looked up and held a hand over the table towards Romanoff, who seemed to be considering. Romanoff appeared to have made up her mind when she looked up, held her hand over the table, grasping her partner's in a handshake, and said, "Соглашение" - _"Deal."_

The recruits looked confused, obviously not understanding Russian.

Clint sighed. "Homo, qui tironibus bene fecisse. Russia et in illis loquuntur," – _"Man, these recruits are pretty stupid. None of them speak Russian." _he said glancing at the recruits then at Natasha.

Romanoff snorted and picked up another knife to sharpen.

The recruit obviously didn't like being ignored and spoke up, "Well, what's your answer, gorgeous?"

She glared at the recruit, "κόλαση αριθ., ηλίθιε." – _"Hell no, idiot."_ She said before she to her snickering partner, "τι κάνουμε για την επέτειό μας, Barton;" – _What are we doing for our anniversary, Barton?" _He stopped snickering and she narrowed her eyes at him. "Θυμάστε ότι είναι την Παρασκευή, σωστά;" – _"You do remember that it's on Friday, right?"_ she said dangerously.

"Självklart!" – _"Of course!" _Barton exclaimed before muttering, "Hur kunde jag inte? Du skulle mörda mig om jag inte gjorde det." – _"How could I not? You'd murder me if I didn't."_

"Vad var det, älskling?" – _"What was that, Sweetheart?"_ She asked sweetly with a dangerous look in her eye.

The recruit, sick of being ignored and figuring that the two agents were making scathing comments about him in different languages, threw a punch at the back of Clint's head.

He whipped around, blocking the punch to his head, and slammed his own fist into the recruit's stomach. He stood from his chair and kicked the recruit's knees out from under him, dropping him to the floor. The recruit hit the floor hard, his head hitting the polished concrete and tiles leaving him dazed.

Barton turned away slowly, eying the man on the floor with contempt. He sat back down, picked up a knife and began to sharpen it. During the altercation, Romanoff had stood up, still holding her knife, and glared warningly at the other recruits in the room.

The recruit staggered to his feet and swayed on the spot before stepping toward Barton. He approached and raised his fist, tensing to strike him again.

Natasha's eyes flickered toward the recruit. Her hand shot out and the group heard a sharp crack before the recruit screamed in pain.

Barton swung around, standing, and his eyes narrowed at the recruit, who was cradling his arm, whimpering in pain. His leg shot out and swept the recruit's legs out from under him. The recruit cried out in alarm and agony as he crashed to the ground again.

Natasha walked up to the man sprawled on the ground and nudged him with her toe. Her hand twitched and Barton nodded. They returned to the table and caring for their weapons.

All the recruits at the door stood stockstill, eyes flickering between the pair of assassins at the table and the man on the floor, who was obviously unconscious from the pain in his arm and his head hitting the floor hard twice.

This continued for about five minutes before the pair at the table stood and starting stowing the majority of their weapons on their body. The group at the door either flinched or twitched at the sudden change.

Once the knives and handguns had seemingly disappeared, the rifle and equipment packed into a case and the bow and quiver had been strapped to Barton's back, the two made their way towards the door. The gathering there tripped over themselves to get out of the way.

Beyond the doorway stood Agent Hill, who looked like she had been trying to get in.

As they walked past her, Barton said, "These recruits suck, Hill." And they continued on their way

Hill walked into the room and immediately her eyes went to the man on the floor, who was still unconscious.


End file.
